The World's Sole Real HEROINE

Thank God computers were born and blogging has become possible. I would have been merely staring at my ceiling during times I don't have so much things to do. How unproductive could that be!

A bit of introduction. I won't talk about computers and blogging, of course for I lack expertise on those highly-technical topics.

Mayroong isang nilalang na sa wari mo ay ordinaryo lamang. Ngunit bigyan mo ang iyong sarili ng panahon para makapag-isip. Mapapangiti ka sa naisip mo. You'll come to realize and tell yourself that this one creature has been shaping your life from the day you're still a 'concept'.

I can not imagine the world without HER. Plato, the greatest philosopher, would have not been a philosopher at all and his knowledge would have not been moving mankind towards reality; Yuri Gagarin would haven't been the first to fly the outer space; science would've not been admiring Albert Einstein as the Forever-Genius; William Shakespeare would have not been able to romanticize the world and the heart would've stayed as a hollow chamber. Many great people would have not been great. YOU and ME would have not been embracing all of the world's beauty (and ugliness) if SHE has never lived. And Jesus would have not become human to proclaim the kingdom of God if MARY hadn't existed.

For nine months, she conceives you in her womb, nurtures you with all that is essential for your life. But that's not the end of her love because as you come out and see the world, her hands will forever sway you with the hymn of her sweet lullabies. Her lessons will be forever inscribed and you will always go back and learn them over and over.

You grow up and gain your independence. You've thought you'll never need her again so you take her for granted now. Sinasagot-sagot mo siya na parang kaedad mo lang; kung makasigaw ka sa kanya, parang kaklase mo lang na hindi nagpapalamon sa iyo at nagpakahirap dalhin ang bigat ng buhay mong nagsimula pa sa siyam na buwang nasa sinapupunan ka niya.

Darating ang panahong kailangan mong lumisan sa piling niya. Mag-aaral ka sa malayo. Mabigat man sa loob niya ang mawalay sa'yo, hahayaan ka niya kasi alam niya na nakasalalay ang kinabukasan mo sa malayong lugar na pupuntahan mo. Matagal pa ang pag-alis mo pero alam mo bang gabi-gabi ay nababasa na ang unan niya dahil sa mga luha ng napipintong pangungulila at sa paggising niya, sa isang sulok sa kusina habang pinaghahanda ka niya ng almusal, luha na ang kanyang bukang-liwayway?

Araw na nga ng pag-alis mo. Her pain is ineffable on that day her child needs to leave her side for how long, she'll never guess. Tuwang-tuwa ka dahil sa wakas kakalas ka na sa mahigpit niyang hawak. Tuwang-tuwa ka dahil magagawa mo na ang mga gusto mo na wala na siyang nagbabawal sa'yo.

You arrived in your destination at last. Your first months have been so great--party here, shopping there. You go home whenever you want.

After a year...

While you lie on your bed tonight, you draw her face on the air. You're sick--a little fever. Then you cry. You cry like you just have lost something really valuable. You miss your mom. You miss the way she worries when you get sick-- she would lie beside your bed and check on you every now and then; she would stop everything she's doing just to make sure you're okay. You know you won't be able to bear losing her and you'll never want her to leave. Who will be smiling at you when you go home? Who will cook your favorite dish that only she can hit your taste? Who will straighten things up when you get them wrong? Who will ever believe in what you can do? Who will tell you again and again the facts of life you first heard from her? Who will love you unconditionally?

Now that distance has refrained you from seeing her everyday; now that maturity has taken the good things of your childhood, you cry. You cry for the illusion--merely an illusion-- of having her around, cooking you real food, getting your bath ready, laying your clothes on the bed before you go to school, and telling you of life while you both reside under the starry sky.

You scream at the top of your lungs. You scream how much you miss her. You ask yourself: "Why can't I just be a child and sit on her lap and listen to her stories?"

As words flow on the screen of my computer, my tears fall and my sight blurs. Yes, I miss my mom too. My day wasn't so good. People were so mean to me-- as if they want to say that pain can't penetrate me; that I never get mad.

As I walked my way home, tears ran down my cheeks. I knew, after unlocking my room's door, I'm going to find nothing but the mess I left the other day and talk to no one but myself. I cried as I changed my clothes. I wish Mom's here. Her presence might have made me stronger. Her voice might have calmed the storm I'm in. Her arms might have guarded me from all the perils this world has exposed me to.

How I miss those afternoons I dumped my bag down and headed for the kitchen to find her cooking adobo, my favorite. I would then hug her and tell her about my crush confessing he likes me all the same. Then I would happily tell her my boyfriend's breaking up with me. I would share whatever had happened to me at school (or wherever I go). But she's distant from me now. I can't hug nothing but my pillow.

Everyday, I wish it's vacation. I really really wanna go home.:(

There are two poems I made for her (for the Mother's Day):

Tinig ng Isang Anak

Nakakabinging katahimikan,
Nakakabulag na kadiliman.
Nasa'n ako'y 'di mawari,
Tanging alam, sa pag-ibig mo nagkukubli.

Muntik ang mundo'y 'di ko nasilayan,
Muntik ako'y sinalang mo sa kamatayan,
Oh ina, salamat iyong dininig
Buhayin ako, ang puso mo ay pinintig.

Salamat iyong pinakinggan,
Matandang nagsabing ako'y hagkan,
'Pagkat ako raw magiging dahilan,
Pagtingala sa iyo ng ninuman.

Ina, naging tama ba siya?
Tama ba desisyon mong ako'y buhayin pa?
Kay tamis pakinggan oo mong sagot,
Pinapagaan buhay na masalimuot.

Kailan ko ba huling ibinulalas
Mga katagang ni minsa'y 'di pinagsawaan?
Ina, kailan mo huling napagmasdan
Matang kato'hanan lamang ang pinamalas?

Sa pag-ibig mo, walang makakapantay;
Pag-aruga mong saki'y 'di nangamatay;
Kaya bilang pasasalamat sa iyo,
Katagang sana sa puso ay sasamyo.

Hindi ako tataga sa bato,
o magbibitiw ng pangakong mapapako.
Ayokong ang puso mo, ina, ay mabiyak,
Katauha'y nagugunaw 'pag nakita kang umiyak.

Panaginip mo, aking bubuhayin,
Pangarap mo, aking tutuparin:
Anuman ang sa daan ay nakaamba,
Ikaw sa isip, lahat n'yan ay mabubura.

Tadhana man ay mapaglaro,
Sasabay tayo sa pag-ikot nito;
At kung darating ang panahong tayo'y paghihiwalayin,
'Wag kang umiyak dahil ako'y anak mo
at ika'y aking ina pa rin.

Walang sinuman ang sa puso'y makakapag-alis
sa pag-ibig ko sa iyong wangis.
Ina, mahal kita (pati na rin si Ama),
Habambuhay ko itong idadala.

_iann
20Apr08

My mom had planned to abort me. She never told me why and I don't nag her about it. It's enough to know she changed her mind and I'm still breathing ang being so much loved by her.

The Only Goddess Who had Lived

In the crude mind of a child,
An enigmatic deity is alive,
But in an adult's, it's unlike,
A fancy that's never been to life.

Yes, I'd grown from Mother's tale,
And now to the sea of truth, I sail;
Yet with my eyes, I've seen it all
the unraveling of a goddess soul.

A symphony she begins to lilt,
With all my heart, I've listened:
In every hum of her voice so sweet,
Soaring the air, my spirit's free.
She whispered: "Let your eyes be opened."
And the first light dawned on me.

How lovely the roving light flies,
When it strikes her wand'ring eyes!
She walks to me and say:
"Don't fear, my child,
In my arms, you may lay."

She embossoms me with love,
Vast as the skies and realms above.
In this world so forlorn,
She's the pure stream of hope.

She gives me wings and teaches me fly,
To rise from earth and glide high.
At thy command, the wind will sway,
Wasteland of agony was swept away.

With a faithful tongue, I sing her glories,
Her blazing fire, nothing could seize;
The aria that filled the nightly sky,
Her songs of peace will never die.

Oh, Mother, who can ever play your part?
or describe the sweetness of your heart?
Truly, you're an epiphany of a goddess,
To come from your womb is a bless.

_iann
20Apr2008

It's amazing how the string of connection between a child and a mother grows stronger as time runs faster. And that associative bond will always make you want to go back to the familiar things at home--to the safe embrace of your mother.

To all whose mother has left the country for a job, love your mother more than any one else.

Sa araw ng kanyang paglipad patungo sa kabilang dayo ng dagat, ikaw ang laman ng kanyang rason. At sa bawat pag-uwi niya'y lagi siyang uhaw sa yakap mo. Ngunit sa sandaling kailangan niya ulit ang bumalik sa bansang nagbibigay sa kanya ng pag-asang magkakaroon ka ng maliwanag na bukas, ikinukubli na lamang niya ang mga tagaktak ng luhang unti-unting dumudurog sa kanyang puso dahil alam niyang ang kahabaan ng muling pagkawalay niya sa'yo ay walang katiyakan.

Huwag mo sanang ipagsawalang-bahala ang lahat ng sakripisyong tanging ang ina mo lamang ang makakagawa.

Kailan mo ipapakita kung gaano siya kahalaga? Kailan mo siya pasasalamatan sa mga halakhak at luhang inialay niya sa'yo? Kailan mo sasabihing mahal mo rin siya?

Don't wait for her death. It's then too late.

_iann
28Aug2008